A month ago today, May 13, I got married to my best friend, my soul mate. It was an amazing day, full of amazing memories. But I shocked a lot of people, I made a lot of people question if they really knew me. All because of a complicated decision I made that I want to talk to you all about.
But first, let me explain my absence really quick. Preparing for the wedding was taking over my life and I really didn’t have time to write. While I love writing, it is extremely draining. It takes a lot of energy to pour your emotions out into the world knowing that you most likely will be crapped on by half the world. After the wedding, I have simply needed a break from everything.
So back to this decision I made that made a lot of people question if my existence is fake.
Drum roll please!
I wore a dress instead of a tux to my wedding. While I looked and felt fabulous, I knew I would get a lot of questions, and I did. So I want to take some time to address those questions as well as share with you all some of my favorite moments from the wedding, mostly because I share everything with this world I have built on this little blog of mine.
Are you still trans or nonbinary?
The short answer is, yes. Wearing a dress in no way influences my identity. Clothes are an amazing way to express yourself. For years however, I found them oppressing. Dress this way because you are a “girl”, don’t wear that color because you are a “girl”. For the past year, I have been trying to fight that feeling by wearing what ever the fuck I want to wear.
My identity as a transgender person has nothing to do with what I wear. I’m nonbinary, meaning I don’t stick to the binary rules of gender. Which shall be a talk for another day. But that in itself means I also don’t follow the rules of boys. Just because I feel like a guy most of the time, doesn’t mean that I can’t wear pink, dresses, or wear makeup. For the millionth time, WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.
But why didn’t you wear a tux?
It’s complicated. I actually wanted to originally wanted to wear a tux. But I ran into a lot of issues with the tux world. For one, I am small and I don’t fit clothes the way I feel like I should a lot of times. Things are odd. When I shop for clothes inthe mens section, they often times fit weird and I have to shop in the little kids section.
On top of that, I wanted a tailored suit that wouldn’t be show casing my breasts. Suits that put emphasizes on my breasts always make me uncomfortable. However, I was having a hard time finding somewhere to get a suit that would look good on my body without emphasizing my breasts. Honestly, I think the only way I would have really felt good in would have been a suit created by a trans person, so that I wouldn’t feel so alone.
At the end of the day, I wanted to feel comfortable and special on my big day. And I didn’t feel like the options I had with tuxes weren’t going to let me feel that way. Instead I was going to feel like a little kid in their father’s clothes.
Are you still bisexual?
I know, this isn’t related to the fact I wore a dress, but apparently people are wondering. Marrying a seemingly male person in no way invalidates my sexuality. It’s that simple. Being attracted to people of different genders doesn’t change because you found someone you love and you want to spend your life with them. It literally needs no more explanation.
What about your breasts?
Yes, my dress made my breasts be noticeable. But honestly, I was ok with it. When I tried on dresses, one issue I continued to have was that my breasts looked big. Ughhhh. But then, I found my dress. The details drew your eyes away from my breasts and suddenly, I felt gorgeous.
I haven’t been able to bind for awhile. My health has been preventing it. And so I have been working on becoming comfortable with my boobs. It’s scary, it’s an adventure, it’s a journey, and it’s not even close to being finished.
I’m still queer, and I’m still here.