When Your “Identity” Changes and You Feel Lost

I have tried to write about this so many times, but the words never seem to truly describe this journey in figuring out who I am.

For months now, I have been struggling with something that I thought I wouldn’t have to struggle with anymore;
my gender.

 

When I was in middle school, I learned what transgender was for the first time… It blew up in my face when I told my friend at the time that I thought I was transgender and the friend completely rejected me and pretended we had never met.

At the time, I felt like the term didn’t fully fit me. While, I didn’t feel 100% like a guy, I did feel like a guy in so many ways.

After being rejected in that way, I closed off those feelings and vowed never to tell anyone again that I was transgender. Because I was so scared of what it meant, and everyone else in the world would reject me the way my friend had.

Somehow, a few years later I got up the nerve to come out as genderfluid. I thought I could finally relax and just be myself. But at the time, I was in a relationship with someone whom I felt like I couldn’t be myself with. And while I struggled with finally accepting myself, I couldn’t help but feel like my boyfriend of the time wasn’t attracted to me any longer. And I started avoiding being myself around him.

After the relationship ended, I started exploring who I was again, and I felt lost.

Genderfluid never seemed to fit me, at least not in a way I felt truly described who I was. Sure, my gender seemed to move, and by move I mean I seem to fall somewhere between gender neutral and a guy.

But after months of calling myself a genderfluid person, I felt completely distanced from myself.  Even using the term nonbinary, I felt like I still wasn’t properly representing myself.

I was lost and so scared of the outcome that I deep down knew was coming.

I am transgender and nonbinary.

While deep down I have known this for years, I couldn’t tell myself. Even when I came out to my fiancé and through so many conversations about gender, I always described myself as a feminine guy. Yet, I still felt so uncomfortable calling myself a transgender guy or even really using the term transgender without explaining that I mean I fall under the umbrella of being trans because I am nonbinary.

But the lost feeling became overwhelming.

For a while, I questioned if I was just a confused cisgender girl. I even thought about selling my website because I thought it wasn’t fair that I write about queer life when my life isn’t all that queer at all. A staple in my identity as a queer person has always been more about my gender and less about my sexuality. And I felt like I was lying to everyone who even glances at the website.

And as I continued to talk to my fiancé about all of my feelings, I realized that it was time for me to accept who I really was.

When I was in middle school, I learned what transgender was. And after facing heart breaking rejection, I got scared of being transgender. No longer am I afraid of the world rejecting me. Because at the end of the day, I have someone who will never reject me. I have my family, my fiancé, and most importantly I have myself. Because I finally believe in myself and trust myself. And I am comfortable with who I am.

My existence is simply a feminine guy.
And that is fine.

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1 Comment

  1. You’ve had a complicated journey. If you’ve finally found a shoe that fits, wear it proudly. I imagine that experience of searching for the description that feels right is not uncommon for non-cis folks, or anybody who questions their gender, identity, sexuality, or two or more of those.

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