“Oh my gosh, why did you never tell me you were trans? That is so unfair to the friendship we used to have.”
Um, maybe because I knew you’d react badly and our “friendship” was superficial at best.
Over and over again, I am asked about why I never came out to someone individually. Honestly, it is such a privileged thing for someone to feel they are owed an explanation about my sexuality or gender. You are never owed someone coming out to you. I understand there may be some lines that you feel are blurred and you deserve to know something about someone. For instance if you have or are dating someone, you feel like you should know before hand if someone is trans or gay or bi, ect. I get it, but at the same time, it is so insensitive to the person. Coming out is fucking hard.
But, let’s move away from that, because that is a completely different topic.
Why the hell do people, especially ones who were such small parts of your lives, feel like they are owed an explanation for your gender or sexuality?
I don’t owe you any justification for not coming out or for being who I am. People don’t aks you for justification on why your hair is brown or your eyes blue. What do people ask for justification on? Choices.
And every time you ask me to explain or justify not coming out to you, or being who I am; I am reminded that you see who I am as a choice. You are comparing it to me dying my hair, and let me tell you, there is no comparison. Being trans wasn’t a choice for me, it is who I am. Dying my hair bright colors, that is a choice I make because it makes me happy. I’m not saying that I (or anyone) owes you an explanation for why I (or anyone) dye my hair.
What I am saying is don’t ask or demand someone to explain why they never came out to you. They owe you nothing!
If you are interested in knowing why someone didn’t tell you, or anything about who they are, think about wording. Here some examples of ways you should and shouldn’t ask some questions I and I know others get frequently. You can note that some will simply say don’t ask, because they are never appropriate or ok to ask.
|Your Question||They way you should phrase|
|Why didn’t you tell me you were _______????||Was there something about me that made it uncomfortable for you to trust me or talk to me about this? I would like to know so that in the future others can feel more comfortable being themselves around me, but you don’t have to tell me.|
|Do you prefer girls or guys?||Don’t ask. It is not really your business what your bi+ friend prefers. Unless they ask you to set them up and you are learning their type, why does it matter?|
|What do you have down there?||DON’T EVER FUCKING ASK UNLESS YOU ARE GOING TO SLEEP WITH THE PERSON and even then, we may not be interested.|
|What is it like having sex with someone of the same sex?||Seriously, unless you are curious because you are questioning your sexuality, don’t ask. And if you are questioning your sexuality, consider wording it this way: I have been questioning my sexuality and I was wondering if you’d be willing to answer some questions for me that are kind of uncomfortable.|
|Why are you _____?||Don’t. Just don’t.|
|You can’t fuck me!||I know this isn’t a question, but let me still help you not sound like a complete asshole (you will still sound a little bit like an asshole if you say this, I can’t make this but so much better).
I respect you and your sexuality, like I hope you respect I am straight. (You get plenty of respect for being straight).
Take it back, just say no in a respectful way if someone comes onto you. Damn.
|Does that mean you are getting a sex change?||Not. Your. Business. You aren’t my doctor or partner, then you don’t need to know. DON’T ASK|
|Why didn’t you come out __(example of a way____?||Was there a reason, like not feeling safe, that you didn’t come out in ________ way? And what can I do to help you feel safe?|
Basically, realize that you may be the reason we didn’t or did do something.